An Evening on the Nemesis
by conchick
Summary: We know that the Autobots have creative ways to spend time when not fighting, but what do the Decepticons do during their down time? Short independent one shots of snippets of time during "off times" aboard the Decepticon warship. It isn't all about planning the next attack or dreaming of universal domination. What happens may make you laugh.
1. Chapter 1

An Evening on the Nemesis

Chapter 1: Soundwave

 **A/N the inspiration for this little one shot was a picture on one of the Transformers face book pages of Ravage pouncing on something aboard the Ark. I could not help but wonder what would happen if he went all "catty" Should the muse return I may do other one shots of the other cons. I don't own the Transformers**

The evening fell quiet aboard the Nemesis as what the humans dubbed the "graveyard shift" began. Most of the officers were off duty but Soundwave, as communications officer, preferred this shift if the only assignment was monitor duty. It was easier to focus without certain traitorous officer's whiney vocalizer constantly going off about how he should be in charge. After all these millennia, Soundwave still could not understand why Megatron allowed it to continue.

He shook his helm and focused once again on the warship's systems and the surrounding area. The perimeter was still clear of Autobots as he expected it to be. He continued his search for potential energy sources Megatron had not yet considered. This planet was primitive but full of possibilities.

Several more breems passed when Soundwave's concentration was broken by the soft hum of Lazerbeak's systems as he returned from scouting and perched on the console above him. At his pedes Rumble and Frenzy were arguing about something. They were constantly competing and Soundwave ex-vented. 'Those two would make recharging a competitive sport,' he thought. He considered scolding them but the two twin cassettes never listened anyway. Out of sheer habit he made a suggestion. "Competition: illogical. Cooperation here and in battle: beneficial. Suggestion: learn it." They paused for a klick in acknowledgement but after a few astroseconds returned to their heated discussion. 'Frenzy and Rumble: stubborn', he said too softly for the cassettes to hear him.

He was just about to summon them back to their deck when Ravage shook himself out of recharge suddenly. His back was arched and his joints stiff. His ears were drawn back as if he heard something the others could not. "Ravage-," Soundwave began but was cut off as the cat leapt at something still unseen and began running a full speed around the control room and took off down the corridor. He returned only nanoclicks later still running at the same speed. He then stopped, looked at Soundwave for a moment and simply scratched his head and curled back up and purred as if nothing happened. "Ravage: Status?" Soundwave asked a little concerned. He had seen his cassette do strange things but there was always a reason, usually alerting him to something the sensors previously missed or some form of malfunction. Ravage jumped up into the lap of the only other Decepticon, or Cybertronian for that matter, whom Ravage liked or tolerated and purred. Soundwave scanned him quickly for obvious malfunction and smiled behind his battle mask as he realized nothing was physically wrong. He was still confused about his unexpected behavior, however, until Rumble's laugh broke the silence. "Soundwave, we really need to return to Cybertron. It appears Ravage has adapted to this planet and to the ways of the organic cats. I have noticed them while we were out. I have no clue why they do it. It looks really stupid though."

A low hiss and growl came from Soundwave's lap. He then pounced on Rumble catching him off guard and knocking him to the ground. Soundwave watched them wrestle for a moment before deciding enough was enough and interrupting the battle. "Rumble, Ravage: enough! Lazerbeak, Frenzy, Rumble and Ravage: Return" he called as they transformed and returned to their deck. Soundwave walked back to the Nemesis's computer and pulled up images that had been captured of the organic cat's behavior. He simply laughed. Yes. They definitely needed to get energy and return home before they lost the essence of who they were. Soundwave went back to scanning for energy sources. The night and shift finished without any other incident. Starscream's voice cut through the warship alerting everyone of shift change. It would no doubt be an interesting day.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Seekers and Game Night

 **Transformers: not mine neither is the game**

"Yet another day gone, another lost battle with the Autobots, and no closer to having even a fraction of the energy this primitive organic dirt ball has available. I am sick of waiting on Megaton to actually do something. If I were in charge we would have destroyed the Autobots, drained this planet and returned to rule Cybertron unopposed eons ago. Do you have any idea of how tired I am of hearing our so called leader shout 'Decepticons retreat!'?"

Thundercracker and Skywarp didn't even hear the last of Starscream's rambling. They heard it so many times before and Thundercracker spent the last few nanoklicks of his rant laughing silently, while Skywarp mocked this most recent rant. That only served to make Thundercracker laugh harder resulting in getting his trine mate's attention.

"Shut up, you!" Starscream shouted at them when he realized what they were doing. "Are you not tired of this? It would be good to consider where your loyalties lie because one day things will change."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Starscream, I have no plans on switching sides now or ever, and I am certain that is what you mean when you talk about our loyalties." Thundercracker told him trying to sound convincing. He could never be too sure if one of Soundwave's spies happened to be creeping around the warship, and he was definitely not going to take any more of Lord Megatron's wrath this day. They only had a few hours of it left. "Let's do something to get this nightmare of a day off our processers so we can at least recharge peacefully."

Starscream looked doubtful. "And just what do you propose we do? It is not like we have an over abundance of high grade to overcharge ourselves with!"

He was about to respond with something equally sarcastic when he noticed Skywarp was no longer in the room. 'Primus, no! Please not tonight' he thought knowing Skywarp's affinity for funny but cruel pranks. He was about to head to his quarters as quickly as possible to avoid confrontation when he heard the static crackle of someone teleporting and Skywarp appeared with a Cybertronian sized version of the humans game Monopoly .

"It seems Thundercracker is fonder of the natives than we thought! Plan on playing this with one of the humans you happen to capture and keep as a pet eh, Thundercracker?"

"It helps to understand your enemy" he answered defensively."And this one is a game of-"he paused a moment, "acquisition" His optics glowing with mischief. "The bot who acquires all the credits and land wins" Skywarp looked doubtful. "There is a strategy to it." He was careful with his choice of words.

Starscream was skeptical. "Ok" he finally answered deciding he had nothing better to do and it would be a while before he could recharge in the state of mind he was in currently. He hated forcing his systems into recharge. "At least I can prove my dominance with some ridiculous human game and we can recharge."

He set the game up and after a mini brawl over their pieces, there was only one plane, they began. Thundercracker's strategy was to purchase everything he could while the others attempted to save credits for the more costly items. As a result he was winning. "You owe me 300 credits for attempting to wage war on me in Char!" Thundercracker informed Starscream as he continued to count his credits. "That will bring my total to 8,796 credits" he reached out awaiting payment. Starscream growled.

The game went on for a couple of megacycles and Starscream grew tired and wanted to capitalize on what he had. . He decided to end his by attempting to use most of his credits to construct additions to his lands specifically by building a moon base on Cybertron.

"You can't do that! I rule Earth*." Skywarp growled.

"And what does that have to do with anything? Cybertron is mine to do with as I please."

"Not in this game. You have to control both or all of the same color. That is why I didn't build a base on Iacon. That is also why it is called Monopoly."

"I will take it then!" He screamed as he pointed his null ray at the board.

This got the attention of Thundercracker who was still silently counting credits."Stop!" he yelled and knocked Starscream away, knocking over the game in the process.

"You moron! Now I have no idea where everything was!"

"Oh well. It is late anyway. I win! I am going to recharge." Thundercracker stormed out with his game in tow.

"Don't worry," Skywarp told Starscream. "He will look nice covered in pink spakles when he reports for duty in the morning."

Starscream only laughed.

 **A/N Thanks to Giddy for the review. I think the idea of Rumble, or even an Autobot tormenting Ravage with a laser pointer would be great. I might write that into another ficlet.**

 **I initially thought of the Con's playing poker but then I thought a more strategic game would be better for war hungry, defeated, board Decepticons. I saw the collectors Transformers edition of Monopoly, and decided to go with that. The game can go on for hours so that is why I added the 'theft aspect to it, to hurry it along. It is cons playing after all. I imagined Starscream would attempt to cheat. I have a cousin I refuse to play with because she tries to do what screamer did.**

 ***Earth is Park place and Cybertron is Boardwalk in the traditional game**


	3. Chapter 3

An Evening on the Nemesis

Chapter 3: Knockout insists on living up to his designation…

 **A/N: Knockout is my absolute favorite 'Con so naturally I had to include him in the shenanigans. His 'Prissy' side makes him a perfect victim for my story…This is the first of my Prime Verse chapters. I don't usually like to write him without Breakdown, as they are perfect together, but I decided to try something different. I still don't own the Transformers.**

Knockout needed to recharge, as his body was past the point of exhaustion. However his processor would not simply shut down long enough to allow it to happen. Because of that he was more snarky than usual and he didn't want to take it out on the wrong bot, at least not without a body guard anyway. Primus, he was looked bad enough after the day's events. He paced the med bay brooding in his frustration. "Really," he told himself, "what did I expect after all this?"

After all Starscream had just literally crawled back to the nemesis and begged Lord Megatron to give him his old position back, and Megatron had 'requested' that Knockout replace his missing T-cog. "A grounded seeker is useless" he had been told many times. Why his leader didn't take the opportunity to terminate him at this point escaped him. The surgery itself would have been easy if he actually wanted to do it. Truthfully he wanted to take Starscream apart. He was also dreading what would happen after wards. Starscream annoyed more than just Megatron and he still had not forgotten the way Screamer played him after he rescued Breakdown. Pit, he hated that mech for the advantage he still had over him.

Then there was the fact that after the textbook surgery Megatron wanted to test Starscream's loyalty with the Psychic patch. He knew his leader would see his treason and no doubt would have his finish too at best if he didn't terminate both of them then.

Yes, today was the pit and he needed to recharge. Slag, why wouldn't his processor let him? He hated forced recharge as much as any mech. Working on a project or simply dissecting a living being would be enough to calm him down but he currently had no major project and he didn't feel like chasing down a vehicon. Besides Megatron would be angry at him for destroying any soldier without reason so it was out of the question. He was physically too tired to abduct a human for such purposes although after Breakdown's encounter with M.E.C.H. that was on his "to do" list.

He checked his internal chronometer and just about decided that he would force the shut down when he remembered something he overheard down at the race track. The human femmes spoke of relaxing after the races with something they called a spa treatment. He researched the concept. It could easily be modified to fit Cybertronian needs and he was getting desperate. He jumped off his berth giddy at the concept of finally resting and adding to his stunning good looks at the same time. He went into lab and pulled out the larger of the basins used to clean equipment, unfortunately it was too small for him to stretch out in. "This is supposed to be relaxing" he reminded himself. He had an Idea. He simply turned over one of the larger berths he quickly added sheets of metal he had been saving for minor repairs around the legs he moved to the edges making a type of basin. "Primitive but it would work for a one time use" He thought as he had no intention of doing it again. He heated a variety of oils and filled the makeshift basin. He then locked the door to the lab got in feeling the oils seep into the circuits and relaxing his joints. "Lights at 50 percent" he ordered the computer. He slid back into it to his neck cables and let it fill those. "The humans are smarter than we give them credit for" he whispered to no one.

He felt himself begin to drift into recharge when he thought he heard someone in the med bay. "Whoever is here better have a slaggin' good reason or I will be having too much fun to sleep tonight because they will volunteer for my next experiment." He got up and dried himself off leaving the now cool oils for later.

He unlocked the doors and a winged vehicon stood at the door way looking frightened.

"I-I am sorry to disturb you doctor, Starscream requested I deliver this report. A-And he wants to see you before you shift begins tomorrow." He never made optic contact with the doctor.

"He sent you with his message, did he? So our SIC is too lazy or afraid to do his own work? Fine. I won't hold you accountable for simply following orders, if you help me with something for a klick."

"Y-Yes sir" the vehicon answered completely relieved he wasn't about to be deactivated.

Knockout handed his favorite buffer. "I need you to buff my back. The part I can't reach."

The vehicon raised his chevron but took the buffer and did as Knockout requested.

"Not as good as Breakdown but sufficient. Thank you. You are dismissed. Oh and if you vent a word to anyone about this you will be spare parts. Understood?"

"Yes sir!" he answered as he practically ran out of the med bay before the doctor could change his mind.

Knockout finished buffing covered himself with the new wax he acquired at one of the illegal races and set down to sharpen his claws. "Perfect" he said out loud. "Now I can get my beauty rest. The humans are clever indeed."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Sardines and other organic creatures…or something.

It had been an interesting eventful day to say the very least. The major surprise was that the Decepticons almost had a huge victory; they knew the Autobots had fought Devastator but Megatron had the newer Stuticons and decided to use both. Little did he know the Autobots decided to follow suit and build their own. The Autobots should have still fallen considering they were outnumbered. The problem for the Decepticons that day was jealousy and pride issues that lead to miscommunication and fighting between themselves and a retreat was sounded. Megatron was furious and took his rage out on several of his solders that didn't run immediately upon returning to the Nemesis. The combiners were sulking about the battle and no wanted to take responsibility. Hook made repairs to the battle injuries as well as those Megatron inflicted and complained the whole time. He still lacked one more repair. Unfortunately said Stunticon decided he would do his own repairs as he was furious with Hook and not in the mood for his less than kind berth side manner. His problem was he forgot to inform Hook of his decision and took it upon himself to 'hide' in the electrical close until everything settled down before recharging.

"Dead End" Hooks voice rang though the now quiet Nemesis corridors "Get your aft in here now and let me make that repair or live with it the rest of your life. You have one breem." He found Motormaster though. "I am trying to locate Dead End. When you find your subordinated please send to the med bay." He then stormed off.

Now the search was on. He had blocked his spark signature so Motormaster reached across the bond. He blocked that too. "Scrap" the Stunticon leader swore out loud and ordered the others to find him. If this went to Soundwave they would all be scrapped.

Breakdown found him first and was about to contact Motormaster.

"Don't, Hook will murder me let's stay low."

Breakdown took a bribe and hid with him. After a few klicks Long Haul heard commotion and opened the door.

"What are you two doing?"

"Hiding from Hook" was the short answer.

Long Haul laughed. "I cant say I blame you but Im not doing to lie when I go back if he asks if I saw you. He'll know it anyway."

"So stay here! I'll give you 30 credits if you stay and keep your mouth shut."

He was about to answer when Wild Rider raced around the corner. "Where's my credits or should I go rat you all out?"

"You two just get in here and shut up." Dead End pulled him in and attempted to lock the door.

Finally the breem was up and a furious Hook along with Soundwave made their way to the closet.

"What in the Pit are you all doing?" Hook roared after breaking the lock.

"Playing Sardines,' Long Haul answered in mock innocence.

"Human sparkling games: illogical. Evacuate closet now" Soundwave ordered.

"All of you mechs to med bay now for maintenance before Megatron hears of this. Clearly you are all glitched. Copying the habits of small organic creatures, how foolish." He muttered as he led the supposed mature mech to med bay like lambs to slaughter.

 **A/N Sardines is like hide-and-seek with large groups where you all hide together until everyone is pilled in one small space. I needed a bit of ridiculous 'crack' to break up my 'heavier' story I am working on. I am trying to decided on what crazy after hours situation to write Megatron in. ideas welcome.** **I don't own Transformers**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Megatron-Fifty Shades of Gray… Silver and Violet

 **A/N My second Prime 'verse chapter. I like the whole aligned continuity for Megatron for some reason. This chapter was Giddy's idea. Thanks Giddy! I hope it is as funny as it was at 2am when I read the suggestion. Changing the rating on this chapter to T because, I'm paranoid like that. I don't own Transformers.**

The leader of the Decepticons was in an unusually bad mood, and with good reason. He just had the nightmare that was the fight with Unicron. He imagined having his blood in his veins would make the relationship a lot better. He was wrong, so much for trying to interpret ancient prophesies. Things seemed to improve after a truce with Optimus Prime and then having him forget who he was. Megatron growled. He should have used that opportunity to destroy Optimus and the Autobots but he wanted the relics and Optimus was the perfect one to decode the coordinates. Looking back if he had destroyed Optimus they relics would have been useless anyway. Now he is looking for them still and unfortunately so are the Autobots. One thing was sure; he was in need of a new plan. If he couldn't have Cybertron he would take Earth, or better yet Earth and Cybertron. Right now he needed to calm down, cool off and recharge to properly file the information he gathered over the last year on this dirt ball and Starscream wasn't around to take his anger out on.

Wasting time was useless if he was to make progress. There had to be a way to wind down and still forward the cause. He heard of Knockout's excursions at the end of each decacyle to the surface to participate in the humans illegal races. He mentioned that it helped him 'rest' and focus again after burning extra 'nervous' energy. Megatron wasn't sure about that but if it made his officers better then he wouldn't punish him for it. Knockout was as proficient as he ever was so he allowed it. Knockout pointed out that involvement in human activities taught him about humans and that it was a good idea knowing about them because it is always a good idea to understand your enemy. Megatron always dismissed that because he considered them weak and harmless as insects and his real enemies were the Autobots. He knew all he needed to know about them. They appeared to be a help to the Autobots and while they were indeed weak they were stronger than he had given the credit for originally. Perhaps he would 'study' them as Knockout did.

He searched Earth's database of information. He was astounded that despite the fact that so much information was out there little of it was of any use. He was still attempting to research it from a military stand point. "Of course they would encrypt it in such a way to prevent hackers from stealing information. They fail to realize how primitive the encryptions are. This will be easily hacked." In a matter of a couple of Klicks he was in, however it was far from what he was expecting. Didn't the government on this continent operate from the 'white house'? What was this site? He was sure it was more encrypting so he continued to read. There was a place to download an eBook so Megatron did so.

At first Megatron was amused. Though he would admit it to no one, some of the humans had something in common with him. They were after the thrill of power and control and they had sadistic tendencies. If that were true they could be played easily. However, things changed quickly in this account of human psychology and strategy as he could hardly believe his optics. The humans did what to each other? What was he reading? This definitely wasn't military. Were they supposed to be interfacing? Megatron was disgusted, however he couldn't look away. He was intrigued by the power struggle and the control the human mech had over the femme. He continued to read and found himself thinking about Cybertron. He had always been a warrior and didn't have time for bonds, they were weakness but he remembered some of the officers early who recharged with pleasure bots, but even those were dignified. This was repulsive. He researched further. Yes, they were interfacing. It was more than he could take. He finished the novel as he later figured it was and went for a walk around the warship. This was Knockout's strategy he would discuss things with him and see if he had any helpful information.

Megatron entered the lab and found his CMO. "Lord Megatron, what can I help you with at this hour? Are you…unwell?"

"I am fine Doctor" he answered trying unsuccessfully to hide his emotion. "You are working on the Synth-En," he stated more in the form of a command than a question.

"Indeed my liege, I seem to be making some progress."

"Good, Knockout, I have been attempting to 'study' the humans. They have very little redeeming qualities and I want to take this planet as well. Their habits are…repulsive. I hoped to find useful information on their vast database and was able to get information I believed to be from the individual government on this continent. It was hardly military or strategic I hardly see what interfacing has to do with military. If that is indeed what they call it."

Knockout could only guess what his leader had found as he looked ready to purge his tanks. He tried not to laugh fearing his leaders wrath if he did. "Smut, Lord Megatron, that is what they call what you read. Yes, the thought of it is-" he stopped mid sentence and shuddered."Uggggg I must say they do have redeeming qualities though my lord." He said handing him a disc. "They call this 'horror'" He pulled out his circular saw. "I call it creative ways to use a chain saw. It is amazing. It also helps that their blood is a most beautiful color. "

Megatron looked at the disc. "Saw II" Anything to get the images out of his processor. He watched and fell into recharge. His processor struggled to file the images he had and he was restless that morning. He went to discuss things with Soundwave. "I'll stick with military conquest by might alone" he told himself as he went to the control room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Shockwave A.K.A Jackie Paper

 **This is my third Prime 'verse chapter.**

Shockwave had been on Earth only a few decacyles and as much as he resented Starscream for abandoning him alone on a dying Cybertron he was getting frustrated with Earth. The mud and grime was everywhere and got into everything that wasn't the worst of it. It was awful, but it was still nothing compared to the dominant life forms on this planet drove him to madness. At least he didnt have to see them. Bacteria didn't talk or argue, or waste annoying time writing lyrics with annoying earth music, if such a thing could be called that. It was catchy and it got into the mech's processor and would not go away. The illogic of it all was driving him absolutely crazy.

There was one positive side to all this. Most of the other Decepticons spent little time with him, usually for fear of becoming one of his experiments. He didn't have time for that now though he already had an experiment. He began working on cloning predacons before Knockout found him and took him to Earth. He brought one of his specimens with him and planned on making more.

This night, however, despite the fact that he was alone he was really ready to rip a trio of human's apart. Those two human mechs and human femme were his bane right now and had been for the last several days. Their blasted sparkling song about a flying mystical creature was more than he could take. It didn't help that he was cloning a Cybertronian version of such a creature.

It was going well so far. He was in the off Nemesis lab working and humming that song to himself. "Puff', he told the embryonic predacon, "soon you and I will take the planet and all the kings will bow, but more importantly so will the Autobots. It will be perfect. I have brought you more nutrients, or lots of fancy stuff. Just call me Jackie" He almost laughed thankful that no one could hear him. He added the nutrient mix to the yellow goo that housed his pet project. He removed the fossil from subspace and began the process of removing more C.N.A for cloning. If one was good four would be far better. He continued humming and eventually singing the lyrics unsure how he ever heard them in the first place or why he didn't just wipe them from his memory banks.

Then he heard a voice behind him and to his horror it was his own voice. That could only mean one thing. It was the eyes and ears of the Decepticons. "Soundwave! How long have you been here listening?"

"Dragons live forever" Soundwave said and Shockwave was sure that he was smiling behind his mask.

"You couldnt have been here the whole time. I never heard you. Soundwave you are not to repeat what you have heard to any one."

Then Lazerbeak flew down from the rafters. "...kept a look out pearched on Puff's gigantic tail"

"Lazerbeak..of course. Not word"

"Jackie Paper brought him…other fancy stuff." Soundwave answered.

"I will not be bought. If you vent a word of this I will take you apart!"

"Fancy stuff" Soundwave repeated not worried at all by Shockwave's threat.

"Fine. "I will give you what you want. This is not to leave this room." They discussed the bribe and Soundwave turned to leave.

"Fine Jackie Paper. He ceased his fearless roar." Soundwave promised. "I will let you…frolic in a land called Honna Lee." He told him leaving. Shockwave was sure he heard the communications officer laugh.

 **A/N Neither TF or Puff the Magic Dragon are mine. I had this idea while playing the song for my son last night. I knew I had to work it in to the TF. I always see PredaKing every time I hear the song now.**


End file.
